RIP Grandpa

My Grandpa passed away Friday night. He surprised everyone by lasting just one night shy of a full 2 weeks with nothing entering his body but morphine to make sure he wasn’t in pain and the very occasional sip of water when he was conscious. He was even talking to the nurses at the beginning of the week.

I’m so sad he’s gone, but he would never have wanted to be like he was, so I’m glad he’s no longer wasting away and in a way that was not him. He never wanted to be like that.

The funeral will be Wednesday, I do feel bad that we can’t go. I want to send my Grandma something, but I don’t know what. She’s in what I guess would be an assisted care facility herself. If anyone has any ideas of what to send, please share. So far all I can come up with is a letter and some pictures, I’m horrible at writing letters though, not sure what to say. Grandpa loved trains, I wish I could find some sort of train themed thing that could be engraved in his memory or something. I don’t know. I’m not used to this sort of thing, I don’t know what’s appropriate and I don’t have much money to spend. I’m worried that now that Grandpa is gone she will go downhill fast, I hope I’m wrong. Grandma is tiny but strong.

I have so many posts I want to do, hopefully I’ll feel up to doing some better posting soon. It’s not just Grandpa passing away, but I’ve been feeling a little down lately anyway. Money is definitely high on the list of reasons. But everything else just seems to come together all at once too. I hate never feeling like I fit in anywhere. I have felt like this my whole life. I’m always too fat for the skinny crowd but too skinny for the fat crowd. Too poor for the rich crowd but too rich for the poor crowd(bwahaha, yeah, right, rich). Too smart for the dumb crowd, too dumb for the smart crowd. Not conservative enough for the conservative crowd, but way too conservative for the liberal crowd. Too funny for stick up their ass crowd, but not funny enough for never take life seriously crowd. Too nice for most, not nice enough for some. I just feel we live in a world where if you’re just nice, calm, cool and  middle of the road you’re nothing, you have to be extreme to get noticed or be worth anything. I refuse to change who I am, but wish more people would realize that middle of the road is a good thing too. I always feel this way, just sometimes it bothers me more than others. I think it has been bothering me a lot lately because I tried so hard for the past years to gain more followers for my blog. I see others who started their blog around the same time as I did and they have hundreds of followers even though I never see them commenting on other peoples blogs. How do they get so many followers? While I haven’t had as much time lately, in the past year I have spent a LOT of time reading, following and commenting on other blogs. I have done everything that top bloggers list to recommend getting more followers and none of it has worked for me. I know having a lot of followers shouldn’t be a big deal, and in many ways it’s not, but in a lot of ways it is. If you have very few followers it makes you feel like you’re not good enough to follow, having a decent amount of followers makes you feel like what you’re spending the time to post is worth something. I don’t know, I don’t think I’m explaining very good what I mean lol, my mind is mush. I know there’s some out there who understand what I’m trying to say and struggle too.

Hubby works this week and then is on holidays for 2 weeks, the first week we’re sticking around the house and getting stuff done, the second week we are going to go camping again(please let the weather cooperate!), so I likely won’t be posting at all that second week. I’m going to try and pull my emotions together though in the next couple of days here and get back to posting some good stuff!

Jolene